Absent Minded Muser

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Trust and Love

on January 13, 2012

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“You know, I’m always going to save you Lisbon. Whether you like it or not.” – Patrick Jane.

Love is a funny thing. Don’t’cha think?

I’ve bawled on this before, I’m sure you are sick of me saying things about it, and secretly thinking; “Oh gosh! Please shut up!!” Sorry, I’m going to talk about it some more, it’s on my mind.

Recently, my heart has suffered a rather devastating blow. But not in a romantic way. In a trust way. It’s really hard to recover when ones trust has been shattered and tattered.

It’s hard to feel like you can trust anyone.

I could probably count on one hand, the people I truly, truly trust. The one’s who I can tell things to and know they will be comforting to me.

There is, however, one I trust more than anyone else and that is God.

Anyway, I was driving to work today and I was humming along to the songs on my iPod, and a love song came on. I almost skipped it because I didn’t want to feel that gut-sickening, heart-wrenching feeling I get when I am alone and I listen to romantic songs without a distraction (my sister, my story, etc.).

Instead, I let it play. I wondered the whole while what it was like to have someone you love, love you back. Hold your hand, hug you when you are upset.

Lately, I’ve felt God much closer to me than ever before.  He is there comforting me when I want to cry, and when I want to run away from all the responsibilities of life. I listened to the romantic song with a spark of joy instead of despair.

I have realized this before, but re-living that realization is always a nice one. Realizing that God is the first and the last love of my life. We were made to be with other humans, certainly. But if God doesn’t come first, things go astray way too fast for anyone to predict. Things start to fall apart, lives are shredded and hearts are broken.

Like that feeling you get in your gut when you know you can’t trust someone. Like the instinct the Holy Spirit pokes you with, when you know you aren’t supposed to do or say something or when you are supposed to.

A lot of people don’t buy into the gut instinct. Oh well, their loss, eh?

I had a serious thing for a guy I couldn’t reach. I really, truly liked him. It was foolish I suppose, but my life has always been that way. I run in the way most people are afraid to run, toward and for their dreams. I live and breathe my dreams every day. I dream large, why not? It’s good for you.

It can also hurt you.

I found that out the hard way. My heart feels so much lighter now that I’ve decided to let go of that crush, that feeling. It was hurting me more than helping, and it was time to let go. I don’t intend to crush or like anymore people (liking TV stars is an exception.) I want to feel happy and I know that won’t happen if I’m agonizing over a guy.

I’m sure guy’s feel that way about girl’s too, and who can blame them?

Unintentionally, we cause ourselves heartache. I’ve done that a lot in my life and I really just want to be happy. So I’ll be shedding everything that causes me distress.

One of my resolutions?

Stand up for myself. I know people think I’m already “outspoken” but not to the ones who truly hurt me. My happiness is important and freak the people who think I should be saying or doing something different.

So, there is that. My happiness is important. Whether I ever fall in love or not, is irrelevant to my life right now. I need to focus on me becoming a better person. I can’t do that if I’m distracted.

Maybe I should do yoga, haha!! Yeah right. I’d die.

I just wanted to share that and I want you people, the ones who bite their lips and keep quiet when someone tells them they are worthless, to know that you are a treasure. You are a gem. You are special. You don’t deserve to be treated that way and you deserve to have someone wonderful love you.

I believe that for everyone. And until and beyond my time, I’ll continue to say it.

Lesson today — Know when to shed what is weighing you down. You deserve happiness.


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