Absent Minded Muser

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It’s better to be Honest

on May 23, 2012

I must admit to you, my readers (if I have any), that I feel fakely when I look back on my posts.  I don’t have many “flawed” posts on here, so I’m going to open up on my flaws [Which is not something I like to do].

I’ve discovered a lot about myself since I turned 20 years old, now a year later, I am still discovering and trying to change.

I’m a very flawed human.  Sometimes I feel far more flawed than others.  I am bossy, snotty, rude and immature.  I have also been described as mean.

Mean is a harsh word for me.  I’m normally pretty okay with the word, but when someone says; “You’re mean” in a not-joking way, it hurts me a lot.  It’s what I’ve been called since I was a child.  Mean.

And the truth is, I have been mean and I can be mean.  I don’t like to be mean.  I hate that part about me, and I say hate, because being mean is not a gift from God.  It’s part of the fall.

I feel inadequate quite a lot, I never feel like I am up to the standards of others and I walk around hurting inside.

That’s on the really bad days.

Most days, I can be free and happy and uniquely me! And those are the days I love, because those are the days I gallop around in God’s glory, feeling His love and kindness.

Do you know the part I hate most about my “bad” side? My jealously.  I am easily consumed by the black monster that grips hold of me and chuckles darkly in my ear.  I am jealous of what others have, especially when I see someone has published a book.  The first thought in my head isn’t; “WOW! That’s amazing!” it’s “Man…. I’m not reading that.”

Nasty, isn’t it?

I have been praised for being sweet, kind, nice and encouraging, and those are the things I like about me.  I can be all of those things.  It feels like a lie, though.  I don’t feel nice, kind, sweet… I feel like a liar.  Not because I’m not being nice, but because I’ve never been told that so often before.

No one usually called me “sweet”, I was the little monster.  The brat.  The mean one.

You see what I’m getting at?

That’s why I want to be honest with you, because, I am brutally honest with myself to a point where I can hardly believe what people tell me about me. And that is not a healthy or good way to live, and I wanted to be honest and tell you, I’m working on changing.

You know what else I realized? I’m not hyper/goofy on here very much.  If you all met me, you’d see I’m a total spaz. [/random]

My point is, that I don’t want to look like a goody-two-shoes who never does anything bad or sees a sign that says; PBP and the first thing that pops into my mind is “public bird poop”.

I’m working on my flaws, just like everyone else, and I want to be happy for other people, just because it hasn’t happened yet for me, doesn’t mean it won’t.  So chill out, me! Let’s praise God for the blessings and be joyful for the blessings others have received!

p.s. I also noticed I like to talk a lot about other people… Note to self, need to stop that.

P.s.s. also saw; “GOP” and thought; “government of poop”, and I laughed inwardly… and no, I don’t actually regret that at all.

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