Absent Minded Muser

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Happiness and self-esteem… best friends?

on November 9, 2012

Hey guys, it appears as if I may have abandoned my readers for a bit.  I know I have a few, so I’m sorry I did that.  However, I’ve been rather busy.  Not that it’s any real excuse… I just wasn’t sure what to put up here, I guess.

Lately, I’ve been exercising a lot.  Every night I exercise (or I try), and I feel really good about myself.  However, last night I didn’t exercise and my sis and I went shopping…

Shopping for clothes is one of my most hated past-times, because no matter how much I love looking at cute clothes, I can’t fit into many of them.  Whenever I go into Target or Wal-Mart, I’m always trying to play it cool, like I don’t realize I’m over-weight.  But believe me, it’s always there in the back of my mind.

When my sister and I went into Target, I passed by a guy standing near the bathrooms, he was an employee, most likely making sure no one was smuggling things into the potty to open and steal.  As I passed him, I felt my self-conscious radar go shooting off.  I immediately shrugged my shoulders in close, turning my face down, and laughed with my sister like I wasn’t affected at all.

It’s not just guys that I’m like that around, it’s just about anyone I don’t know – girls included.  Now we are examining coats or jackets, I guess, depending on your view.  I see one I really like, but the size isn’t exactly ideal for me… it’s tight on my arms, but it’s definitely comfy!
“I like this!” I say to my sister, as I hide behind a rack of clothes so no one can see me trying it on.

“It looks good.” My sister compliments, walking around, scoping out jackets.  I frown, “I can’t tell what it looks like.”
She looks at me, “there is a mirror around here, go to the fitting room and see.”

“Uhm, no that’s okay..” I say, taking it off and hooking it up.  “It’s took expensive anyway.” That’s my excuse: “It’s too expensive.”

I make my way to the pants, looking for something decent I can wear to work that aren’t jeans.  I find some cordis! I’ve liked corduroys since I was in high school.  One of my favorite pairs of pants were cords.  I try two on.. One looks great.  And I really adored the bright pumpkin orange cords I was holding.  Putting them on, I frowned at my reflection.  It didn’t look good.

I rushed out of the changing room feeling self-conscious all over again.  Mirrors, much like people, make me feel very aware of myself.  I despise that.  I mentally beat myself up for thinking I could possibly look good in such pants, what was I thinking? Only a skinny girl could look awesome in bright orange. [I am also of the mindset that everyone looks better than me, everyone]

I ask my sis if she’s done and if we can get out of the clothes section, while I cling to the dark green cords that looked good.   I ask myself all the time, why should I feel self-conscious? I’m working hard to feel and look better.  I need to start considering myself more precious, even if I don’t believe it at first.

Happiness can go a long way in encouraging someone to make a better choice, take a chance, and risk feeling good about yourself.  It’s a good feeling, because sometimes when I feel like that, I can stand in front of a mirror and think; “Not bad, Jen.  Not bad.”

Making good choices, like instead of focusing on how orange cords don’t look good on me, I focused on the fact that these green cords look very good on me.  That builds up the self-esteem, which mine constantly runs on empty.

I do want to make it clear though, that I am not always “thinking” about my body-weight.  More often than not I don’t, it’s only when I stand in the clothes, admiring a shirt that looks too small, or when I’m looking in a mirror before I’ve exercised.  That’s when it really comes.  Sometimes it happens when I talk to people that I consider cuter or prettier than me.  But I try to appreciate people without feeling self-conscious.

All I know is that I’ve turned 22, and I still have the same mind-set about myself.  I have changed a bit over the years, but it’s generally the same in that way.  I’m sick of thinking the same, and I bet there are others out there who are too.

I’m going to make a conscious effort to encourage myself about what looks good on me, instead of focusing on the negative.  That is always the best way, it builds self-esteem… and lots of us could use self-esteem injections.

Absent Minded Muser, signing out.


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