Absent Minded Muser

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Bad decisions, Awkward moments.

I swallowed hard, tonight I would see that woman again.  Let me explain, I babysit for a co-worker of mine and his wife.  After work, I would go an pick up the kids from a woman who watches them after school (for reasons, I won’t name names.) The very first time I met this woman, she lectured me on my life choices.

All I did was brush her off.  BIG. Mistake.  I should have handled it right then and there, but I didn’t and so, a few more times after that… she kept lecturing me.

I was driving in my car, gripping the wheel, knowing soon I would come face-to-face with her, and hoping that I would have the courage to face her down.  Not so.  This time around, I tried and failed. Again.

She started to demean me in front of the kids, I clenched my hands.

“If you don’t go back to school you never will.” (Excuse me, I thought.  But an 86 year old woman went back to school!) She said (among many other things), “you’re going to regret it!”

“Well, I know what I’m doing, thanks.” I smiled awkwardly, ushering the kids from her house, trying to get away.  She eyed me and then turned to the little girl, “Okay, but don’t be like her, alright? You have to go to college and get a degree.”

I felt as if someone had punched me in the gut and slapped me in the face at the same time. How could she say something so rude in front of two children who believe everything they hear? I frowned, trying to pretend she didn’t say that right in front of me.  As we were walking away, the little girl turned to me; “I have to drive the car because you’re not sma- responsible enough to drive because you don’t have a degree.”

Right away, the girl had picked up on what that woman had said.  I told her that she couldn’t and she was under-aged, and that just because I didn’t have a degree didn’t mean I couldn’t drive.

Well, that persisted later.  I got annoyed about what that woman had said and turned to the little girl and told her that just because I didn’t have a degree didn’t mean I was stupid, and she shouted it was just her opinion, to which I responded.  “Yes, it is.  But I didn’t ask for it and it was extremely rude for *insert that woman’s name here* to say something like that to someone who didn’t ask.  And it’s not something you should do.”

To my utter shock, she went quiet and I drove in silence while her little brother played with the bottom of a thermos that spewed Yoda sayings.  Finally, she apologized.  I accepted her apology, telling her I wasn’t mad at her, just that I was irritated that that woman would talk about something that was none of her business in front of her and her brother.  It was disrespectful.

Things got a bit more awkward later that night (mostly because I forgot the incident after she apologized) and her parents found out through a not very stealthy FB post (darn you, FB…) I felt awful and apologized for it.  I honestly didn’t mean for them to find out that way.

I felt awful all night and watched ‘how I met your mother‘ to console myself.  The thing is, that woman hit be in one of my weak spots and made my self-esteem issues worse.  Like they weren’t bad enough.  And considering it was none of her business, she never should have said it.  (When I told my sisters about all of this, they wanted to tear her to pieces.  Thank God for sisters who will kill for you. Heheh.  Well, not literally… )

The point is, embarrassing things happen and all we can do it try better not to let that happen.  If I have a problem with that woman, I have to tell her so.  And I plan to, all of this is just too awkward otherwise and I want her to know that she is acting out of line toward me.  So, if you all have made awkward mistakes, don’t worry, you can recover.  I hope.  We’ll see.

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Return of the 137 day challlenge!

Before I begin, there is a quote I always remember; “The more you say no, the easier it becomes.” I’m not sure if that’s it exactly… but, that is the basic idea of it.

It was another one of those times.  I pulled the car down to the front of the store, and my sister got in. 

“Can we go to WaWa?” She asked.

“Sure.” I reply, smiling as music blared through the speakers.  We drive quickly past the flashing lights and through one green after another, finally reaching out destination.  We get out, talking and laughing.  I haven’t realized yet what I’m about to do, and how it’s going to change me for 2013.

Entering into the warm climate of WaWa is just like going home.  We frequent this gas station so much, I’m surprised they don’t already know who we are by name.  Our usual is a cup of coffee with Irish creamer, and snacks.  That night, I stare at the sweets; the donuts and muffins and normally, I would want one.  Not tonight, I’m just not feeling it.  I shrug off my sister’s offer to get one for me and decide I want a cookie instead.

That decision right there, when I woke up this morning, I realized how big of a step that was.  Yes, I got a cookie (and it tasted gross), but I didn’t get a donut or a muffin and that is very important.

I end up getting a “Sweet cream pretzel” because they are rare, and I hardly ever eat them.  When I get home, I only eat the pretzel and save the cookie.

I woke up this morning and realized that I hadn’t said “no” to a donut in months.  Months. That is an amazing feat, and I hardly thought about it.

I realized then, in that moment, that all I needed to do was not say anything about this to myself.  No “I’m going to do this!”; no “It will get done.” I need to turn those thoughts into actions that I do automatically without thinking. That is the only way that has ever worked for me (I constantly forget that.)

I was pretty mopey this morning, regardless of my realization.  After seeing a beautiful friend, I felt so broken and beaten.  I’m definitely not that beautiful, but God reminded me that sometimes all we need is someone who believes in us to get us back up, and I have God and a great friend who listened to me complain, and encouraged me.  I feel better and this time, I’m going to make it. 137 days, here I come!

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137 days of exercise on hold: Resolve?

I’m not afraid to admit a lot of stuff about myself, I’m definitely not afraid to tell you that I have a very weak will when it comes to food. 

So as you know, I’m recovering from being ill.  I still have an infuriating cough which forces me to be a lot louder in the office than I wish and it keeps me from returning to my exercise. Why? You might ask, because even just jogging up from the basement after putting a load in the wash sent my lungs into a frenzy – coughing, hacking, it was awful.  And one hour later, I was able to stand up without coughing my brains out.

For some reason, while I was sick, I didn’t have much of an appetite.  This is unusual for me because I am normally always hungry when sick.  The problem arrives (most days) when I try to restrain myself from food – bad food. 

I explained to my sister that if I don’t set ridiculously high standards, I don’t get anything done.  But those high standards are killing me.  Two weeks of exercise felt like a month! Or longer.  I just wasn’t that motivated to be exercising every single day of the week save for Sunday (even though I was.)  It was emotionally terrifying and brutal to my image, every day I would rip myself to pieces if I didn’t exercise.  The only time I felt good about myself was when I was on the elliptical.

That is messed up.  No matter how I look at it, so messed up.  Shouldn’t I feel good on and off the elliptical? I thought I would.

Back to what my sister was suggesting; “smaller goals”.  Yes, I would love smaller goals, it would mean less stress on my brain and body.  However, I’m afraid because the goals are small, I’ll simply brush them aside like I do everything else that is small, (I think we’ve established already that my resolve is extremely weak) and that’s why I’m not sure it would work.

I don’t want to give up, what good would that do me? I need to find a way that works for me, so that I’m not constantly depressed when doing what is good for me.  For some odd reason, I’ve fallen out of reading my Bible religiously.  Used to be that I couldn’t go to bed without reading it, now I don’t even care if I sleep without reading it. 

What is happening here?

I think I know the answer… Exercising has become priority, my Bible reading has been kicked to the lower shelf. 

Now, how can I fix that?

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