Bad decisions, Awkward moments.

I swallowed hard, tonight I would see that woman again.  Let me explain, I babysit for a co-worker of mine and his wife.  After work, I would go an pick up the kids from a woman who watches them after school (for reasons, I won’t name names.) The very first time I met this woman, she lectured me on my life choices.

All I did was brush her off.  BIG. Mistake.  I should have handled it right then and there, but I didn’t and so, a few more times after that… she kept lecturing me.

I was driving in my car, gripping the wheel, knowing soon I would come face-to-face with her, and hoping that I would have the courage to face her down.  Not so.  This time around, I tried and failed. Again.

She started to demean me in front of the kids, I clenched my hands.

“If you don’t go back to school you never will.” (Excuse me, I thought.  But an 86 year old woman went back to school!) She said (among many other things), “you’re going to regret it!”

“Well, I know what I’m doing, thanks.” I smiled awkwardly, ushering the kids from her house, trying to get away.  She eyed me and then turned to the little girl, “Okay, but don’t be like her, alright? You have to go to college and get a degree.”

I felt as if someone had punched me in the gut and slapped me in the face at the same time. How could she say something so rude in front of two children who believe everything they hear? I frowned, trying to pretend she didn’t say that right in front of me.  As we were walking away, the little girl turned to me; “I have to drive the car because you’re not sma- responsible enough to drive because you don’t have a degree.”

Right away, the girl had picked up on what that woman had said.  I told her that she couldn’t and she was under-aged, and that just because I didn’t have a degree didn’t mean I couldn’t drive.

Well, that persisted later.  I got annoyed about what that woman had said and turned to the little girl and told her that just because I didn’t have a degree didn’t mean I was stupid, and she shouted it was just her opinion, to which I responded.  “Yes, it is.  But I didn’t ask for it and it was extremely rude for *insert that woman’s name here* to say something like that to someone who didn’t ask.  And it’s not something you should do.”

To my utter shock, she went quiet and I drove in silence while her little brother played with the bottom of a thermos that spewed Yoda sayings.  Finally, she apologized.  I accepted her apology, telling her I wasn’t mad at her, just that I was irritated that that woman would talk about something that was none of her business in front of her and her brother.  It was disrespectful.

Things got a bit more awkward later that night (mostly because I forgot the incident after she apologized) and her parents found out through a not very stealthy FB post (darn you, FB…) I felt awful and apologized for it.  I honestly didn’t mean for them to find out that way.

I felt awful all night and watched ‘how I met your mother‘ to console myself.  The thing is, that woman hit be in one of my weak spots and made my self-esteem issues worse.  Like they weren’t bad enough.  And considering it was none of her business, she never should have said it.  (When I told my sisters about all of this, they wanted to tear her to pieces.  Thank God for sisters who will kill for you. Heheh.  Well, not literally… )

The point is, embarrassing things happen and all we can do it try better not to let that happen.  If I have a problem with that woman, I have to tell her so.  And I plan to, all of this is just too awkward otherwise and I want her to know that she is acting out of line toward me.  So, if you all have made awkward mistakes, don’t worry, you can recover.  I hope.  We’ll see.

Return of the 137 day challlenge!

Before I begin, there is a quote I always remember; “The more you say no, the easier it becomes.” I’m not sure if that’s it exactly… but, that is the basic idea of it.

It was another one of those times.  I pulled the car down to the front of the store, and my sister got in. 

“Can we go to WaWa?” She asked.

“Sure.” I reply, smiling as music blared through the speakers.  We drive quickly past the flashing lights and through one green after another, finally reaching out destination.  We get out, talking and laughing.  I haven’t realized yet what I’m about to do, and how it’s going to change me for 2013.

Entering into the warm climate of WaWa is just like going home.  We frequent this gas station so much, I’m surprised they don’t already know who we are by name.  Our usual is a cup of coffee with Irish creamer, and snacks.  That night, I stare at the sweets; the donuts and muffins and normally, I would want one.  Not tonight, I’m just not feeling it.  I shrug off my sister’s offer to get one for me and decide I want a cookie instead.

That decision right there, when I woke up this morning, I realized how big of a step that was.  Yes, I got a cookie (and it tasted gross), but I didn’t get a donut or a muffin and that is very important.

I end up getting a “Sweet cream pretzel” because they are rare, and I hardly ever eat them.  When I get home, I only eat the pretzel and save the cookie.

I woke up this morning and realized that I hadn’t said “no” to a donut in months.  Months. That is an amazing feat, and I hardly thought about it.

I realized then, in that moment, that all I needed to do was not say anything about this to myself.  No “I’m going to do this!”; no “It will get done.” I need to turn those thoughts into actions that I do automatically without thinking. That is the only way that has ever worked for me (I constantly forget that.)

I was pretty mopey this morning, regardless of my realization.  After seeing a beautiful friend, I felt so broken and beaten.  I’m definitely not that beautiful, but God reminded me that sometimes all we need is someone who believes in us to get us back up, and I have God and a great friend who listened to me complain, and encouraged me.  I feel better and this time, I’m going to make it. 137 days, here I come!

137 days of exercise on hold: Resolve?

I’m not afraid to admit a lot of stuff about myself, I’m definitely not afraid to tell you that I have a very weak will when it comes to food. 

So as you know, I’m recovering from being ill.  I still have an infuriating cough which forces me to be a lot louder in the office than I wish and it keeps me from returning to my exercise. Why? You might ask, because even just jogging up from the basement after putting a load in the wash sent my lungs into a frenzy – coughing, hacking, it was awful.  And one hour later, I was able to stand up without coughing my brains out.

For some reason, while I was sick, I didn’t have much of an appetite.  This is unusual for me because I am normally always hungry when sick.  The problem arrives (most days) when I try to restrain myself from food – bad food. 

I explained to my sister that if I don’t set ridiculously high standards, I don’t get anything done.  But those high standards are killing me.  Two weeks of exercise felt like a month! Or longer.  I just wasn’t that motivated to be exercising every single day of the week save for Sunday (even though I was.)  It was emotionally terrifying and brutal to my image, every day I would rip myself to pieces if I didn’t exercise.  The only time I felt good about myself was when I was on the elliptical.

That is messed up.  No matter how I look at it, so messed up.  Shouldn’t I feel good on and off the elliptical? I thought I would.

Back to what my sister was suggesting; “smaller goals”.  Yes, I would love smaller goals, it would mean less stress on my brain and body.  However, I’m afraid because the goals are small, I’ll simply brush them aside like I do everything else that is small, (I think we’ve established already that my resolve is extremely weak) and that’s why I’m not sure it would work.

I don’t want to give up, what good would that do me? I need to find a way that works for me, so that I’m not constantly depressed when doing what is good for me.  For some odd reason, I’ve fallen out of reading my Bible religiously.  Used to be that I couldn’t go to bed without reading it, now I don’t even care if I sleep without reading it. 

What is happening here?

I think I know the answer… Exercising has become priority, my Bible reading has been kicked to the lower shelf. 

Now, how can I fix that?

Busted Week – 137 Days

That’s what I’m calling this week, I missed 3 days of exercise so I’m not counting those as days in my 137 days challenge, instead of the deadline being June 11th, I’m pushing it up to the 15th.  That way I can stay on track.

A busted week… I’m extremely annoyed at myself for not keeping up better with my exercise (I blame Ronald Howard’s Sherlock Holmes), even though it’s only been 3 days I feel as if an entire month has gone by! I’m also pretty annoyed at my unmotivated behavior toward the whole mess, and the lack of novel editing I’ve been doing.

I think, I just need to re-inspire myself, and that’s what I intend to do.  It’s not easy to inspire me, I am always falling into pits that I dug for myself.  Ah well, better luck next time, right? As long as I don’t let today and tomorrow slip away without keeping up, then I’ll be fine.  I won’t feel as if this week was a total bust.

What keeps you motivated when you don’t know how to keep going? Just curious.

Day 15 of 137

Well, that was funny… I logged on today and there was a trophy icon sitting at the top of my screen and I thought; “I WON! Whatever it is…” and I clicked it.  I did win, 50 likes for my blog! So YAY! Thanks guys for getting me to 50! =D That’s pretty sweet.

Yeah, though I should probably not count Monday since I actually shopped instead of exercising.  However, I did walk for nearly 4 hours and that counts as some exercise… right?

I’ve not been very good with my eating habits.  I think I need to re-kick myself and make my brain realize that eating sweets isn’t helping, and junk food.

I’m not going to beat myself up about it too much, but I will add extra work to my workout today, just to make up for it.

I’m still having trouble finding good DVDs for Yoga and Pilates.  Anyone know anything good? Most likely I’ll just end up borrowing a bunch from the library and seeing which one works for me.

Are you guys having a happy week? And this post was all over the place, enjoy.

Day 9 of 137 days.

It’s not easy to push forward, you know.  It’s been less than two weeks and already thoughts of giving up have entered my mind. 

Why is it so easy for us to give up?

Do we just have some natural instinct that makes us want to cave in?

Maybe it all started back when Eve took that apple and gave in.  I don’t really have an answer for that.  All I know is, I don’t want to give in anymore. 

I’m happy with who I am, happy enough to want to change for the better.  A good motivator is all one really needs, but sometimes that motivator seems dull.  That’s why I pop onto the ‘net and check out my friends goals, because often they are inspiring enough for me to keep pushing ahead.  And instead of feeling guilty that I haven’t been doing anything, I feel empowered.

Sometimes, we just need a pat on the back.  Some encouragement from ourselves.  I know that even when people encourage me, it falls flat after a while.  That’s why I have to find the courage within.

So, what challenges are you facing? And how do you find the strength to keep pushing forward?

A New Year, a New Resolution.

I know it’s been a while since I blogged, but my mind has been in other places.  The holidays always get me down, mostly because I miss being with my family.  I’m used to a huge party with tons of people, so when that doesn’t happen, it’s a bit depressing.  Regardless, I had a great time (battling sadness) and finding joy!

Up until the second to last week of December 2012, I had been exercising for 6 months. Little to no weight disappeared and that was even more depressing.  Then I was bullied… by a cold.  I was sick for two days and called out of work.  But it lasted for two weeks! I was weak, tired, coughing and could barely speak.  My laugh came out as a wheeze and I sounded terrible.  As the days flicked by, I realized that six months of exercise was dissipating fast, and the muscles I’d gained and the fat I’d lost were all returning.

Obviously, I was upset, annoyed and the depression got just an ounce worse.  When New Year’s finally rolled around, I was ready to stop being sick and start exercising again.  It took me a whole week to get back into it. On a Friday of the last week of December, I started. But I didn’t pick it back up again (hardcore) until Jan. 3.  That’s when I decided my resolution: 137 days of pure exercise and dieting as best as I could.

I’ve already been asked, “why 137 days? That sounds like an odd number.”

I’ll tell you why.  It’s the estimated amount of weight I need to lose. Of course when these people discovered my weight and what I wanted to be, they told me that was too skinny (130, 5’9″).  So I flailed and said, “it’s just a goal!”

At least I have a goal now, right? I’m hoping that these 137 days will begin me on a life-style journey.  Cutting out sweets is going to be the worst part, I know not to cut them out entirely.  However, I feel that if I don’t, I may end up relapsing.  I’m like a drug addict.  I have to keep away or it will come back.

Anyway, it’s going to be every day 6 days a week, resting only on Sunday! I’ve already begun this journey and this is my 7th day.  I feel energized and really pretty good about myself! I took my measurements (because I refuse to own a scale) and discovered I’d dropped an inch in every area.  Now that’s encouraging.

So, this is what I’ve decided to blog about for now! I hope you’ll stick with me through this journey (that is if you even care… Ahah! Which, I won’t blame you if you don’t.) I expect there will be much heartache awaiting me as I strive to not eat the bad things that I like to eat.

With that out of the way, 130 days to go, my friends!

What about you? Do you have any New Year’s Resolutions? Also, my friend recommended Pilates and yoga, anyone know of any good DVDs I can rent/buy?

I did this. Did you? BTW, this does not belong to me.. as it clearly states. I take no credit for it. It’s just hilarious.

Happiness and self-esteem… best friends?

Hey guys, it appears as if I may have abandoned my readers for a bit.  I know I have a few, so I’m sorry I did that.  However, I’ve been rather busy.  Not that it’s any real excuse… I just wasn’t sure what to put up here, I guess.

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Lately, I’ve been exercising a lot.  Every night I exercise (or I try), and I feel really good about myself.  However, last night I didn’t exercise and my sis and I went shopping…

Shopping for clothes is one of my most hated past-times, because no matter how much I love looking at cute clothes, I can’t fit into many of them.  Whenever I go into Target or Wal-Mart, I’m always trying to play it cool, like I don’t realize I’m over-weight.  But believe me, it’s always there in the back of my mind.

When my sister and I went into Target, I passed by a guy standing near the bathrooms, he was an employee, most likely making sure no one was smuggling things into the potty to open and steal.  As I passed him, I felt my self-conscious radar go shooting off.  I immediately shrugged my shoulders in close, turning my face down, and laughed with my sister like I wasn’t affected at all.

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It’s not just guys that I’m like that around, it’s just about anyone I don’t know – girls included.  Now we are examining coats or jackets, I guess, depending on your view.  I see one I really like, but the size isn’t exactly ideal for me… it’s tight on my arms, but it’s definitely comfy!
“I like this!” I say to my sister, as I hide behind a rack of clothes so no one can see me trying it on.

“It looks good.” My sister compliments, walking around, scoping out jackets.  I frown, “I can’t tell what it looks like.”
She looks at me, “there is a mirror around here, go to the fitting room and see.”

“Uhm, no that’s okay..” I say, taking it off and hooking it up.  “It’s took expensive anyway.” That’s my excuse: “It’s too expensive.”

I make my way to the pants, looking for something decent I can wear to work that aren’t jeans.  I find some cordis! I’ve liked corduroys since I was in high school.  One of my favorite pairs of pants were cords.  I try two on.. One looks great.  And I really adored the bright pumpkin orange cords I was holding.  Putting them on, I frowned at my reflection.  It didn’t look good.

–
I rushed out of the changing room feeling self-conscious all over again.  Mirrors, much like people, make me feel very aware of myself.  I despise that.  I mentally beat myself up for thinking I could possibly look good in such pants, what was I thinking? Only a skinny girl could look awesome in bright orange. [I am also of the mindset that everyone looks better than me, everyone]

I ask my sis if she’s done and if we can get out of the clothes section, while I cling to the dark green cords that looked good.   I ask myself all the time, why should I feel self-conscious? I’m working hard to feel and look better.  I need to start considering myself more precious, even if I don’t believe it at first.

Happiness can go a long way in encouraging someone to make a better choice, take a chance, and risk feeling good about yourself.  It’s a good feeling, because sometimes when I feel like that, I can stand in front of a mirror and think; “Not bad, Jen.  Not bad.”

Making good choices, like instead of focusing on how orange cords don’t look good on me, I focused on the fact that these green cords look very good on me.  That builds up the self-esteem, which mine constantly runs on empty.

–
I do want to make it clear though, that I am not always “thinking” about my body-weight.  More often than not I don’t, it’s only when I stand in the clothes, admiring a shirt that looks too small, or when I’m looking in a mirror before I’ve exercised.  That’s when it really comes.  Sometimes it happens when I talk to people that I consider cuter or prettier than me.  But I try to appreciate people without feeling self-conscious.

All I know is that I’ve turned 22, and I still have the same mind-set about myself.  I have changed a bit over the years, but it’s generally the same in that way.  I’m sick of thinking the same, and I bet there are others out there who are too.

I’m going to make a conscious effort to encourage myself about what looks good on me, instead of focusing on the negative.  That is always the best way, it builds self-esteem… and lots of us could use self-esteem injections.

Absent Minded Muser, signing out.

It’s your life. Take back your Freedom and Live.

“Never stop. Never stop fighting. Never stop dreaming. And don’t be afraid of wearing your heart on your sleeve.” – Tom Hiddleston.

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One of my favorite people to quote is Hiddleston.  He has amazing words of wisdom and seems to be from an era that is lost.

You know, I have always been different.  Even as a child, I was the weird one.  I dreamed doing things some people couldn’t even imagine! I even wrote my first book when I was three years old – granted it wasn’t very long.  I’ve always had my head in the clouds, I have danced among the stars and sat on the moon. And I did it all without the need of a spaceship or a space-suit.

I’ve breathed in the air of pixies and basked in the sun of a fairy courtroom.  I’ve seen the gritty-dirt of a down-town street gang and been a friend to wounded soldiers.  My imagination allows me to escape to these beautiful and sometimes harsh places.  As a child, I escaped to them quite often! I also met many fairies as a little girl because of the books I read.

Looking back, I’m startled to recall that when I was eight or nine years of age, I read the entire Chronicles of Narnia series in less than a year.  C.S. Lewis has remained one of my favorite authors since.  I also read the Lord of the Rings (all three) when I was twelve.  I suppose it’s not that impressive, but to me it is.

I have never been able to concentrate one serious things in life and when people lecture me, I tune them out.

What business is it of theirs what I do with my time, my money and my thoughts? It has nothing to do with them.  Who I love, what I like, what I want, who I wish to be, that is all me.  It’s all mine.  Who are the cynics of the world to steal my joy?

I have let them steal it from me in the past.  Lessened myself for the ones who thought I was no good.  Denied myself the hope of my dreams and lived utterly depressed for a long time.  That is over now, I may fall into small depressions here and there – that’s only natural.  But, when we allow ourselves to let the cruel people in the world steal our joys, our hopes, our faith and trust, that is when we need to take back what it ours.

We need to fight for our freedom.  No matter your beliefs, your dreams – you are worth saving.  Even if some people don’t agree, that’s alright.  The only ones you will ever have to answer to is yourself and God.

I’m not saying go out and do drugs, have sex, and drink hard.  I’m saying, respect yourself enough to know when to turn to that power-hungry adult or parent and say; “I’m sorry you feel that way, but this is my life and I want to be an artist.” Or whatever it is you want to be.  Respect and love them while telling them how you feel.  If they can’t understand, you just need to figure out a way to help them understand or move out and show them you can.

You are in control of your choices and by letting someone else tell you how to live, you are sacrificing the free will GOD gave you.  Yes, you have GOD given free will, you should use it wisely.

This life on this earth may seem long and hard, but it is short.  If you wallow in your misery, pitying yourself, despising life, you will never be who you want to be or make your dreams come true.

I was sitting with my grandparents a few days ago, and they were recalling their road trip they’d just come back from.  I saw in them what I never wanted for myself – regret.  Regret that they didn’t do it when they were younger.   I don’t want to ever regret anything I do in my life, that is why I will consider my options and take them when I can and not when someone else tells me to.

Rise up, my friends. Today is your day! Take back your will and make your dreams come true and when you grow old and gray and people ask you what you have done in life, you can smile and say; “Everything I ever dreamed and more.”  Don’t worry about how you will get there, because God is guiding you.  You simply need to take the first step and open the doors to the life you want.  It’s not always going to be easy, but the harder you fight, the more rewarding it will be in the end.  I have faith in you; you should have faith, too.

To quote a favorite song; “Don’t stop believing, hold onto this feeling.” – Journey.

Don’t lose hope, keep dreaming.  Happy Weekend all!

Shine! You are Beautiful.

I was having a chat with a friend (I did most of the talking as per usual – I’m a conversation stealer) and while I was talking, I began to read a post from (in)courage about “If only you saw what I can see”.

This is a big deal to me, because every day I struggle to see what God sees in me.  I feel utterly ugly and useless a lot of the time.  I wonder what I’m contributing to the world, and that is a dangerous road to walk.  It leads to a dark pit into which I fall and stay in for a few days.

That’s why I don’t allow myself to think like that often.  It leaves a scar bigger than any I’ve ever received physically, and emotionally it tears me to pieces.

Those are the days when I need to hear; “You are beautiful, special.  You have talent!” And how many times have I wished to be seen as me? My sister once said; “No one treats you like that.” And I gave her look.  She doesn’t know what I feel, even if it’s unfounded, it’s still there!

A wound is a hard thing to mend, especially an emotional wound.  That’s why, like that wonderful woman at (In)courage, I want to say this;

I see you.  You who is having a hard day, who feels like nothing they are doing is working or significant.  You who feels dejected and alone; who feels like no one in the world cares.   You who are naturally beautiful, all of you! I see you all.   God has made you with beauty beyond what the human eyes can see or ever perceive! I know you want to feel special, and you should, because you are.  You are beautiful, wonderful, talented! I wish you could see what God sees, what I see, when He looks at you and when I look at you.  You are significant, you are not like anyone else, unique and wonderful!

Don’t give up on your potential, on your life, on love and friendship.  You have amazing gifts! I know it. So please, don’t look down on yourself – look up at the sky because that is the only place you need look, up and ahead.  Never behind and at your feet.

“A smile can pass from you to clerk, from a clerk to a husband, from the husband to an army soldier, from the soldier to a stranger in a distant land. You don’t know where that smile is going, it could go global.  Don’t ever forget to smile, it cheers people and makes them feel better if they are having a bad day. ” – This is something I said to a friend.  I quoted it because it’s sort’ve off topic, but it is not any less true than the first time I said it.

Don’t hide, shine! I wanna see that smile, because you are beautiful.  You have a lot to offer, you never know what you have until you share it with others.  Something you think or feel may not be something someone else has ever thought or felt.  You have meaning, are you listening?

God sees you for you.  He sees me for me, and that is what gets my through my day – that and extremely encouraging friends who put up with my emotional tornadoes.
I pray you will see what God sees and realize it is true.